Why Being Unhappy is Easier

Why are so many people unhappy so much of the time? Because it is easier and expected!   

There are 10 rules we are conditioned to follow to succeed. These are unwritten rules because they go against what we learned from our parents and teachers at a young age when we were supposed to learn the ideals of good living.

The presumption is, that if you follow these 10 rules you will succeed personally, professionally and financially. There is a presumption that these things will make you happy and fulfill an immediate gratification–even if you will likely not be happier in the long run.

Being unhappy is easier. There are thousands of books, videos and audio tapes and courses on how to be happy, successful or at peace. Yet many people choose to be unhappy much of the time.

Don’t believe me? Walk into a room full of strangers and watch how people strike up a conversation. You will find that most start with a complaint: The weather really sucks today, right? Can you believe those politicians?  Who hired that guy to play for our team anyway? He’s not worth the money! If you entered that room all happy and full of energy, most people would be suspicious–some might even think you are on drugs!

So it’s easier to follow some of the unofficial rules of success below. These are the ones that society teaches us through media, work relationships, and economics are good rules to follow. We learn and practice them consciously or consciously to be successful. Living this way is comfortable. Living this way is more predictable and easier. Living this way fits in better with people around us.

Sadly, in the long run, they also usually lead  us feeling unfulfilled. Then we pick up the next book, DVD or seminar on how to find happiness again.

Do you practice any of these rules now?

Society’s 10 Rules for being Successful (and Unhappy)

1. Lie – it’s easier – but don’t get caught.

2. Cheat – you’ll get ahead faster – but, again, don’t get caught.

3. Steal – people expect it anyway – but, you guessed it, don’t get caught.

4. Abuse power – what else is it for.

5. Abuse love – you can always get more.

6. Abuse your body with drugs, alcohol, tobacco, food and certainly no exercize – you only live once.

7.  Abuse your mind –  watch more TV and sports – you can avoid being overwhelmed by real life this way.

8. Abuse your soul –  value and trust only yourself.

9. Complain and critique everything – always see the glass as half empty because, damn it, it is.

10. Hoard as much money and things as you can – it’s how the world keeps score of who is winning.

Remember; if you have moments of happiness – don’t worry – they always go away. Life is hard. No one will do you any favors. Get what you can when you can. You only live once.

If you follow any of these rules, regularly, you will come to a place in your life when you ask, Is that all there is? Some people call it a mid-life crisis. Others call it a longing for something more. Some call it a spiritual crisis. Others, a sense of being lost and alone.

Do you want something better? Are you satisfied with where your life has led you? If you measure how often a day you are happy, is it enough?

Is where you work a place of enjoyment, productivity, laughter and life-long friendship? Do you want it to be? If you spend 8-10 hours of each day working, wouldn’t you like to go home more often energized with news to tell your loved ones about what a great day you had?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, then follow the rules in the next section to be happier more often.

Your 10 Rules for being Happier More Often

(and Successful!)

You’ve read what society teaches us (unofficially of course) what the real life rules of success look like. Here are the rules that a combination of a wise soul, an elder and a young child might give you. I’m going to start from the bottom of the list and move to the #1 rule you can do to be happier more often.

10. Smile and laugh more often. A 10-minute belly laugh massages your internal organs better than hours of quiet meditation.

9.   Breathe slowly and deeply at least 3 times a day for 5-10 minutes. You can do this while you are working at your desk, driving your car, walking your dog, waiting in a line, etc.

8. Music – listen, sing, write, or dance. Use energizing or relaxing music, depending on how you would like to be happy at that moment.

7. Relationships – nurture the ones you have; create new ones with people older and younger. If you work 10-12 hour days and say you are doing it for your family, you are kidding yourself. Absence does not make the heart grow founder if you are absent most of every day of your working life. Go home and nurture your family and friends.

6. Emotional joy – find out what makes you smile, laugh, and feel peaceful and write down your favorite 10. Then do them more often. It could be watching your child sleep, sitting quietly on a park bench, watching a favorite comedy on TV, going for lunch or a walk with a dear friend you rarely see, sharing a family meal together more often, holding hands with your sweetie, eating some of Mom’s homemade cookies or working with your Dad on a project. Whatever works for you, do it more often. Don’t wait for retirement or for when you have more time.

5. Intellectual interests – knowledge is power and power gives one a sense of confidence and happiness. Find out about what you need to know to live a good life, as you define it. Learn about managing your finances instead of letting money manage you. Find out about what you need to do to stay healthy. How will you provide care to your parents, spouse, children, friends, neighbors? Learn these things as you need them and teach others when they need the same knowledge and skills. Always look for the wonder in learning and teach what you learn to others. Inspire others through your experiences.

4. Physically move around to release natural endorphins that make you feel good and to act as distractions. Even if you are stuck in one place, find ways to move your body and at your earliest chance, move it in a different place (e.g., home, forest, beach, playground) to benefit from the change of scene as well.

3. Practice a life-affirming belief beyond yourself. Whether through religion, a more general spirituality or a love of nature, go beyond yourself so you have something to hold on to when you need that strength, courage, and persistence. Belief only in yourself or your family and friends may mean you do not have the resources to struggle through really difficult times nor the comfort of feeling part of something bigger and better.

2. Apply ancient wisdom – We are not alone. We are not the first people to try and figure out the meaning of life or how to live a good life. Learn what other people have concluded after lifetimes of study and experiences. We have so much more in common with people of different cultures and from different centuries.

1. Happiermoreoften now –  Put the other 9 rules to work starting now. Return to them often. Go to our website for further ideas, tips, reports on studies and to share your experiences with others. When you reverse the order of the rules above you will get a  HAPPIER MBS. This is a tongue-in-cheek way of saying there is so much BS in the world, find the true gems of how to enjoy your life everyday; more often, than you do now. When you do, you will be happier more often and have earned a Masters in Being Successful (MBS)! Congratulations!

1. H appier more often
   

2. A pply ancient wisdom
   

3. P ractice a life-affirming belief
   

4. P hysically move
   

5. I  ntellectual interests
   

6. E motional joy
   

7. R elationships – nurture and create new ones
   

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10. B reathe slowly and deeply
    

11. S mile and laugh more often!
    

It’s OK to be Mad, Bad and Sad Sometimes

Let’s get this one out of the way right now. All of us get mad sometimes. All of us behave badly sometimes. All of us experience sadness and so many other emotions throughout our life. Mark Twain once wrote that the worst person in the world to live is someone who is a good example. No one wants to live with a saint because you can never attain that level of perfection. That doesn’t mean you cannot, or should not, strive to improve yourself. It just means that you recognize that none of us is perfect, all of us are mad, bad and sad sometimes and that life does not stop when we behave in these ways.

Since you and I are not perfect, we have lots of room to improve! We can get mad less often about things that in the greater scheme of things don’t matter. The book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and It’s All Small Stuff may be a helpful guide for you.

We all do things that someone else might consider bad. We may overeat, drink too much, or do not usually practice good nutrition or physical exercize. Sometimes we hurt others intentionally because we think they have deserved it. More often we hurt people unintentionally and they rarely tell us what we have done so we lively blissfully on without knowing the hurt we have caused.

In science it is sometimes the case that an exception to a rule nullifies the rule and requires a completely new rule. The same is not true about happiness. If you are mad, bad or sad sometimes it does not rule out the possibility that you will be happy again. We can no more be happy 100% of the time than we can be sad or mad 100% of the time. This whole book is about changing the odds slightly or mightily in favor of being happier more often. That’s it. Not rocket science. Just being happier more often than now.

Your Own Top 10 Strategies for being Successful and Happier More Often

What are your rules? Think about that for a moment. Jot down some points below. You can add to this list as you go through the book. When you are comfortable with your list, follow your own rules. When you do, it is easier to make life-defining decisions. It is easier to choose between earning more money or spending more time with family and friends. It makes it easier to decide how to life your life, day-to-day.

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Don’t forget; This book is about giving you, not society, control over what makes you happy…more often. This book is about you and for you. Take what is helpful and, for now, ignore the rest. Then share what you have learned because one of the wisest learnings through the centuries is that sharing your happiness increases your own.

    Happiness, Fun and Peacefulness

Happiness and Fun

Fun is what we experience when we are doing something. It makes the rest of the world go away for a while and gives us something else to concentrate on. Like watching television, going to an amusement park or zoo, getting dressed up for a glamorous party, or playing or watching sports. Some people use things like alcohol and drugs to have fun. Some people jog for miles, read books, or write long philosophic letters to friends to have fun.

Happiness is an attitude of living. We can choose to be happy before, during and after doing something. Happiness is a way of thinking and a way of living. It is deeper in emotions and lasts longer. If you feel good about yourself, about your personal and working life, then you are probably happy. If you are happy and are having fun too then you get the bonus of creating memories that will help you in years to come when you may have less time for fun.

Happiness and Peacefulness

Is there a difference between someone who has found happiness and someone who has found a sense of peacefulness in their lives?

Happiness and peacefulness are similar. Watching a child sleep may help you feel both happy and peaceful. Watching that same child perform on the balance beam in gymnastic with genuine joy may also help you feel happy but you may not feel very peaceful until they dismount safely!

These concepts can be difficult to describe in words. What is more obvious is that our eyes, our face, our body language and our actions will tell the people around us how we feel no matter what words we use to describe it. That is the beauty of happiness, peacefulness, joy, wonder, love, calmness and excitement–people know when we feel this way long before we tell them

Happiness Day-to-Day

Each day is a new opportunity to find ways to become happier and share that happiness with others.

   

Does that sound corny or what! Yet, how often do you remember someone holding a door for you, sharing a bright Good morning! or offering to let you move ahead of them in the grocery line since you have so few things to buy? How often has someone offered you one of their candies or sent you a funny email to brighten your day? How often do people just smile when they see you coming? Whether you get these things a lot or not, the point is you can increase any of these things by being happier, more often, yourself. Happiness breeds happiness just as a room full of complaining, whining people tends to breed more of the same. You can be the catalyst that changes peoples’ lives for that moment. You can.

There are also daily opportunities to observe our surroundings and thrive on the beauty around us. For example, on one visit to my family in Europe I took a train from my sister's home in Germany to my aunt's home in The Netherlands. I love train trips because they are a perfect time for me to think about my past, present and future. So many things that you see during a train trip remind you of things you might otherwise forget.

On this particular trip along the Rhine River I saw castles, vineyards, and endless water. All of these things have been changed by time, people, pollution and history but there were still timeless elements to it all. The green mountain sides, the visions of wasteful wars, the white castle with pink brick trim sitting on a small island in the middle of the Rhine, and the Loreley Mountain made famous by poetry and songs. There was even a freighter ship with the same name as my mother, Koos. Remembering my mother brought back other members of her and our times together. All of these observations encouraged me to write furiously on odd pieces of paper thoughts that I knew I might want to use in this book.

Remembering something that worked for us in the past can encourage us to do it more often now. If I were to ask you about important things that happened in your life this past month, what would you answer? Let me give you a few examples of how lucky I am.

For example in one month: my wife baked some goodies and encouraged me to test everything, two friends decorated an Elvis bust with Christmas lights in my office, a person took my picture as a memory of our working together, my aunt called from Europe just to tell me she missed me, a friend of mine wrote her autobiography and allowed me to help, a bus driver smiled broadly and wished me a good morning, a student told me that my class helped him see his life differently, another student said I wrote in a way that helped her learn, and three special secretaries I worked with saved jokes for me and helped me smile on difficult days, the cashier in a cafeteria said she missed seeing me, a waitress gave me an extra bun with my salad, my colleagues literally applauded when I finished a long assignment, one of my clients told me there was a waiting list for my course, I was asked to speak at four different special events, and so on, and so on.

   

What wonderful memories these people knowingly, and unknowingly, gave me.  Some were planned out while others just happened. These are regular people giving gifts of memory to another regular person on a day- to-day basis. There is no evil intention present. There is no expectation of a returned favor. Just people being good for goodness sake.

By remembering some of the wonderful things that happened to me encouraged me to do some of these things for others.

When I pray each night before falling asleep I go over my day and remember all the good things that happened to me that day. Some days are filled with more happiness than others. When a day is particularly hard or troublesome I borrow memories from other days and feel grateful to have lived another day. Gratitude in prayer is a wonderful sleeping pill. It rests the mind (usually) and relaxes the body. Even when my worries overwhelm my gratitude it takes only a day or two to remember how lucky I am.

   

Would not it be nice to live a bit of our lives as if we were in a sentimental movie? People laugh and cry at corny movies like It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street for a reason. We are reminded of how small kindnesses can influence lives for decades. We learn that thoughtfulness of one person may come to them years later when they need support most.

If we acted as if we were living in a sentimental movie we would likely give flowers to people for no particular reason. We would sing in the rain more often. We would prepare a lovely dinner for our family or friends in the middle of the week when they did not expect it or maybe make a special date with a loved one so they could join in the fun of something special. We would call people we have not talked to in years just to say hello. We would hold doors open for women and men. We would say please and thank you more often. We would judge people less and build their confidence more. We would be thoughtful to those in grief. We would help correct a person’s mistake without making them feel badly. We would offer our help without an expectation of having it returned. We would be more respectful of older people and not call them honey or sweetie unless they asked us to. We would help others without getting a tax receipt for it. We would strive toward more happy endings. We would smile more when we looked at ourselves in a mirror. We would be a bit happier than we are right now.

When Happiness Does Not Work

I have said from the beginning that we probably cannot be happy all the time. I may be trying to be happy more often than not, but I am enough of a realist to know that it is not always possible for different reasons. I am inherently a moody person. I understand that what I am writing about takes thoughtful, conscientious, ongoing effort. It is worth that effort but sometimes lying in bed longer and hiding under the covers is easier – and dare I say it – even feels better!

For example, it may seem hard to be happy if you have not had enough sleep, have not been eating well or, in extreme circumstances, have no place to live. People would not expect you to be happy in these situations…yet some people are happy in similar circumstances for some of the time.

   

When we look at people who have survived extreme cases of torture, degradation, or isolation we find that many of them still write or talk about being happy. They have faced the worst possible conditions and are still able to talk about being happy.

   

When we look at people who have grown up in poor areas of world, who have suffered humiliation, lack of education or proper nutrition we still find that they talk about happiness. They talk about the love of their family, the encouragement of their friends, the guidance of their teachers and their faith in something beyond their control. They talk about moments of genuine happiness in situations where we cannot imagine ourselves finding any happiness.

Perhaps one of the best known survivors of the concentration camps in World War II is Viktor E. Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a famous psychiatrist who lived through the horrors of several death camps. In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, Dr. Frankl gives some wonderful examples of how he suffered the loss of all of his family, including watching his wife taken away to her death. In his practice he sometimes asks his patients who suffer from all sorts of problems, large and small, Why do you not commit suicide? In asking people this ultimate question he learns that people want to live for many reasons. Through his question they find out what they are living for and perhaps how they can live more fully.

Dr. Frankl's most profound, personal conclusion was that: We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. [emphasis added]

   

He goes on to talk about the daily choices one has, in any situation. The choice to reach out to help someone else or to ask for help. The opportunity to recognize the humanity in someone regardless of the circumstances. The ability to remember the people we love and who love us so that we have a reason to fight to live another day. The ability to foresee a future where one’s dreams can still be partially fulfilled.    

For Dr. Frankl, one of his images of himself was in the future teaching at the university where he had been a professor and talking to his students about how to survive a holocaust. He imagined the hell he was experiencing as a lesson for his students.

When my parents were dying, I saw myself in the future teaching others how to care for their loved ones at home more competently than I was able to do myself at the time. I wanted my ‘hell’ to lead to helping others find more genuine moments of happiness with their loved ones in similar circumstances. This image of myself helped me enormously in some of the most difficult days of my life.

We can learn from people who have suffered situations we only have nightmares about. They still talk about being happy. They all seem to be telling us that happiness is not something you feel once everything else is okay in your life. You do not need to wait to have financial security. You do not have to wait until you have found the perfect mate. You do not have to wait until your children grow up and become happy themselves. You do not have to wait until the cows come home (I could not resist!). Happiness, or at the very least, a bit of happiness is inside of you whenever you want it.

   

One of the reasons we stop ourselves from being happy may surprise you. Some of us are  are afraid to be happy. Some of us, including me on occasion, think we need to be sad, afraid, guilty or suffer to serve a purpose. We may have these feelings because that is what we think ‘normal’ people feel in similar situations. We may feel that these feelings will bring our family and friends closer to us. We may feel that we do not deserve to be happy because we think happy people have earned their happiness. Or we may think the reverse–that happy people are not ‘realists’ and that their happiness is only an illusion.

The question for those of us who believe that unhappiness is necessary in order to accomplish things (e.g., being unhappy about how we look will force us to lose weight?) should ask if we can accomplish those same things and be happy as well. For example, can we call someone we have not talked to for a long time without having to feel guilty first? Can we help people who have suffered a hurricane or a flood or a major fire without feeling we shave to. Can we miss someone who died years ago without feeling sad that they are no longer with us?  Can we be happy when we are around someone we dislike or do we need to acknowledge our dislike for the person by being unhappy? Can we be happy while awaiting surgery or must be overwhelm ourselves with worry to prove to ourselves that it is serious? Must we dislike the partner we divorce to justify the end of a relationship?

   

What does being sad do for us? What does angry do for us? What does hatred do for us? What would happen if we were not sad, angry or hateful? Could we still achieve what we want? of course we could.

Here are some other reasons people choose to be unhappy more often than they choose to be happy. Do any of these ideas ring any bells for you?

        It's not fair that people cheat, steal, hurt others etc. and get away with it. Question: Does one need to be angry or unhappy about that unfairness to make it different?

        I'm not satisfied yet. There is so much left for me to do and accomplish. Questions: What is your definition of satisfaction? Can you ever reach satisfaction based on your definition? Is satisfaction based on getting what you want or working toward getting things so that the journey never ends?

When I used to teach self-defense to people of all ages I was always amazed at how people would judge the possible success of the particular method of self-defense I was teaching. What I was teaching would help people in just about all forms of violent situations imaginable. However it could not help people who were attacked by surprise (e.g., clubbed from behind) or people who were the targets of trained assassins. For some people that was proof positive that the methods were not successful at all.

When I mentioned that someone shot President Reagan with all the secret service people around him or that people cannot possibly defend themselves without knowing that they were under attack they began to get more realistic.

One student in particular was fun to listen to. He was a young high school student who had studied some martial arts. I had asked for questions from the audience and he asked me what I would do if I was attacked from behind by surprise and the attacker hit me over the head with a brick. He said I would fall face down onto the pavement and this attacker would sit on my back and pound my face into the pavement. What would you do Mr. van Bommel?

I could see in the workshop participants that this young student had come up with a situation that frightened them. They looked certain that there was no possible way for me to answer this question. I looked them straight in the eyes and replied, I would wait till it was over just as I would have to wait if a Mack truck accidentally ran over me. The audience laughed loudly and understood that no method of self-defense could save you from all forms of violence, but the more self-defense you know, the less likely you are to have to use it.

Like this little story, happiness is not something that overcomes all emotions or solves all problems. There will be situations when you will continue to choose to feel the comfort of sadness, anger, and fear. In our lifetimes we have found comfort in having a good cry, being afraid of failure, being sad when we say good-bye to someone at the airport or getting angry at an injustice. The only difference now is that you may begin to see them as choices you make for whatever reasons you have and that you can change those choices if you want to.

Although we have control over how we react to things it will not always feel like it is working in both your mind and heart, just as self-defense does not always work. With practice and success you may choose to be happier more often than you are right now. Feelings of sadness, anger, fear, hate, or unhappiness may still feel necessary during your lifetime. I feel these feelings as all of us do. I am only beginning to recognize, though, that I control the feelings; not some outside person, place or thing chooses how I should feel. I also now realize that even as I feel these emotions, I can choose to shorten the time that I feel them.

I began this book in the belief that all of us can increase the amount of time we are happy. Even increasing our happiness a little bit will help us, and help those around us, to enjoy living this life a little more fully. Having spent some months rewriting the book and getting feedback from people I trust, I continue to believe that humans have an enormous capacity to find ways to increase their happiness and the happiness of people around them. There is no personal, genetic limit to happiness. I don’t know how close we can come to being happy, contented, satisfied, at peace and fulfilled in one life-time but I know most of us, including me, has not reached our potential…yet!

    Happiness and Wisdom

Wise In Our Time

Do you really have to be 60, 70, 80 or 90 years old to learn the lessons of life that give wisdom to some of our older and younger relatives and acquaintances? Can we not learn the lessons now so we have more time to enjoy them?

In some cultures people listen to their older relatives and leaders to find out about life and about living that life fully. You can read their stories in the thousands of books written since people began to write. You can also learn from the older, and younger, people in your own life. Children and older relatives are not perfect. They can be cranky, rude and insensitive. However, they also live at the two extreme ends of life and can help us put the middle years into a different perspective. They can learn from us as we learn from them.

My grandfather was a kindred spirit with me. We did not agree on politics, foreign aid, education, business or religion. We did agree on family, however. He told me that it took him over 75 years to understand the importance of family.

My grandfather had a devoted, strong-minded wife. They had 10 children. He ruled with an iron fist and occasionally a log from the fireplace. Most of his children feared him and some competed with him to see who had the stronger will. By modern standards he would be considered authoritarian, a local farm boy turned wealthy town leader – a respected member of his community but feared at home.

I asked him when he was 91 why he had been so cruel to his own children. He was angry at first at such a rude question from a young grandson. However, he saw my genuine curiosity rather than a judgmental attitude. After a few minutes of quiet thought, he chose to tell me.

When he was a little boy in the 1890s of the Netherlands he was the youngest son of a farmer. They lived in a small farming community near the local castle owner for whom my great-grandfather worked. My great-grandfather died when my grandfather was only 17 years old. The last thing my grandfather remembered of his father influenced him for the rest of his life. My great-grandfather was lying on his deathbed while my grandfather was standing in the corner of his parents' bedroom. My grandfather, a shy, reserved boy with flaming red hair saw that his strong, authoritarian father was dying. That young man boy was afraid and he was trying to hide into the woodwork of that bedroom wall. His father looked at him and said to his wife, That boy will never amount to anything. He was referring to my grandfather having his hands in his pockets–a clear sign at the turn-of-the-century that you were lazy.

   

My grandfather tried to prove his father wrong for the rest of his life. He built up a successful concrete factory only to see it destroyed during the war. At the age of 56 he started all over again and succeeded. This was a testament to his persistence and his need to succeed.

His role models of how to discipline children were, as he explained it to me, his father, the town's fire-and-brimstone priest, and the head master at his elementary school (a don't-spare-the-rod kind of teacher). The head master had beaten my grandfather’s oldest brother to death, literally. The boy was only six years old. As sad as the family must have been at the death of their first born child, it was assumed that the boy must have deserved the punishment even if it had gone too far. The head master received no disciplinary action for his behavior.

My grandfather told me that he raised his children based on these role models. When he was in his late 70s and saw the destructiveness of that discipline plus the effects of having put his business ahead of his family, he personally went to each of his 9 remaining children and apologized. He even flew to Canada (he was scared to death of flying) to apologize to his daughter, my mother. Unfortunately many of his children were in those middle years where their concentration was on other matters and they were not able to take the opportunity to learn from their ‘new’ father–that was left up to some of the grandchildren.

When he was dying, my grandfather told me some of what he had learned in life. He was sorry for the hurt he had caused people. He was sorry that his religion gave him more fear than comfort. He was glad that some of his grandchildren liked to listen to his advice. He wished his children could accept their own children with his same high expectations but with greater acceptance of their individuality. He wished his family would not fight over his property. He wished people would recognize that the value of family grows over time, not decreases. He wished people would learn from his mistakes and his successes. He wished us more joy and happiness.

Childlike Wonder

Children, like adults, can be joyful and playful but also spiteful and hurtful. In their first few months, however, they look for wonder and learning in the objects in their crib, in the people who make funny faces at them and talk in such animated voices, in their own bodies and the substances that come from that body. They have not learned to judge good and bad yet. Those are the children I want to talk about.

One of the best philosophic summaries I have read about living life fully and joyfully comes from Robert Fulghum, an American who has been a bartender, folk singer, cowboy, sale representative and a minister. He wrote a short book titled All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The quote below from the book may sound simplistic, even trite. However, really look at the meaning behind the words and find the common wisdom reflected in many of the world ancient religions. His perspective learned in Kindergarten is:

    Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life – learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work everyday some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together. Be aware of wonder.

Some people argue that this ‘cute’ little saying is too simple for living in the real world...that life is harder than that. They believe that some people do greater harm than good in life and must be treated accordingly. They say that life is not a Kindergarten class. We need to grow up and face the world honestly.

To those people, I suggest they visit a kindergarten or visit a playground where young children play. Watch some of them play excitedly and co-operatively with shared toys, games and ideas. Watch some of the others who fight over toys, who fight over who is better and stronger or better looking. Is it really very different from how some adults work and play with each other? Is it really that different from how countries work and play with each other? Is it really that different from how you sometimes work and play with your family, friends and the people you work with?

When you look for the wonder in people, places and things you change how you are looking at ‘the real world’. There is evil in this world. There are people who do evil. But we each do something to change a small part of that ‘real world.’ We can do something to help someone else look for wonder. We can learn from our elders and from our youngest family members. We can create more wonder-filled experiences. We can lead the way in our families and between our friends.

    Happiness and Philosophy

Sometimes over lunch with friends, at a cottage or in a letter I get philosophical about life, love and our purpose on earth. I am by no means a disciplined philosopher. My little reading of philosophy tells me that our generation is not the first, nor the last, to ask questions about happiness or the meaning of life. The pursuit of happiness is timeless. It is part of the constitution of some countries. At the same time it was not indexed in the Psychological Abstracts International until 1973 so it has not received the interests of scientific, psychological, and medical experts until recently.

Some people say that I am not a philosopher and so I do not know what I am talking about. They tell me that in the ‘real world’ ancient and modern philosophers recognized the need for people to be unhappy and happy. This range of emotions is assumed to be necessary because we all seem to experience all of them at some point in our lives. They recognized that evil exists in the world and in the actions of people. They tell me to read philosophy and recognize that life is a complex, difficult thing that requires lots of thought before we go around making life too simple.

I have read some philosophy and am ‘happy’ to report that no one has it ‘right’ so far. You see, philosophy, like the definition of love, has so many theories and beliefs that no one alive on earth can ever tell us what is right or wrong, good or bad for all of us. We have had great thinkers who have helped us make decisions about morals and ethics but these ideas have changed over time. For example, at differing times in our history capital punishment was legal for anyone who killed someone else, then only for a selected list of murders (e..g, those who killed police officers and prison guards) and then illegal in some areas of the world but not all. Some of what we believe today is not the same as what people believed thousands of years ago. Some of what we will believe tomorrow will be different from today.

Some people argue that we must have absolute rules of moral actions. Harry S. Truman said (as have many others) that There’s nothing new in human nature. The only thing that changes are the names we give things….The only thing new in the world is the history you don’t know. (Plain Speaking, p. 21)

I believe that there are some ultimate truths about how we should behave with each other. I do not believe that in my lifetime the world’s population (or even its leadership) will agree on what these truths are.

Since I do not know what all the ultimate truths are I will have to base my decisions of how I act on my beliefs. I think that many of my beliefs are ‘right’ and that they will remain the same for most of my life. I also think that some of my beliefs will change over my lifetime as I learn from the wisdom of other people and from new experiences I have. A friend of mine told me that the world, like any living thing, must have a birth and a death. I think that we should not let the possibility, or the probability, of a dying world prevent us from making our world, in our generation, a better one.

Some Personal Conclusion

    What I have concluded so far is that:

    1.    How I present happiness and our ability to choose to be happy can be seen as a simple solution to a very complex problem – simple in that it represents a fundamental philosophy upon which most of my actions are based. It can be seen as a philosophy of care, service and devotion to improve whatever part of the world we are able to improve. All philosophies have been proven to benefit some people and to harm others, whether consciously or unconsciously. Since I am not a great world leader I can only influence small parts of my world. Until I have a better way shown to me I have decided to do what I can, to the best of my ability, to live to the standards of ‘above all, do no harm’ and when possible do something good. Good, for me, is simply defined as trying to improve myself, my skills and abilities to help others to do the same. If I do this in the spirit of being happy and remaining happy then I have done the most good in the limited time given me on earth.

    2.    Based on the philosophies I have listened to and read, as well as my own experiences, I have concluded that the ultimate truths are not universally perceived. There are many world views and ancient faiths. They have many things in common but are not universally the same. The best we can accomplish on earth is to take what we assume to be the ultimate truth about what a good life is and how we should behave in a good way toward others (our philosophy) and try to live that philosophy (our actions) consistent with the morals that come from that philosophy.

    3.    I believe life is basically simple. We have a short time on this earth. Each of us cannot possibly deal with all the complexities of our interdependent beliefs, cultures and actions. Money is not the way to keep score of how successful or happy you are. When you believe that, life is actually more simple.

        We can be thoughtful about what we believe in and what the consequences of those beliefs might be. In order to live successfully we must find a short statement of purpose for ourselves by which we measure our decisions and actions. For me, after long searching and revising, I have chosen the sum of what many world religions suggest is our purpose: Love God, love others and do not forget to love yourself. I add to that what Georges Vanier (Governor General of Canada in the early 1960s and my first Canadian hero as a young immigrant here) said, Look to find how you may serve.

I have taken these thoughts and created a prayer that includes my statement of beliefs which I then try to use in making day-to-day and longer-term decisions. Although I am not a religious person, I am a prayerful one. Perhaps this prayer will encourage you to write you own prayer with your own set of ultimate beliefs.

Through you, God, we love.

I believe that you are compassionate and are

  with us always and in all ways.

You taught us to love you, love others and

  not to forget to love ourselves.

I believe that because of the free will you gave us, we must live with

  the helpful and harmful consequences of our interconnected

  decisions and behaviors, both conscious and unconscious.

I am saddened that it is easier to do evil than to do good yet

  strengthened through my faith that to do good is our primary

  purpose: for ourselves and with our families, our communities

  and in the world.

I believe that through individual and collective faiths and actions we

  can make a positive difference in the lives of others.

Please God, help me keep my faith simple, my actions morally coherent

  and my love genuine and abundant.

Does this statement of beliefs lead to happiness? No. The statement reflects those highest order principles by which I try to live. It reflects those beliefs that have made me happy in the past and, therefore, are a summary of what for me I must do to continue to experience happiness, peacefulness, bliss, joy, calmness and excitement. Even, or especially, in periods of difficulties these beliefs give me a direction. I may not always be happy with the direction (cheating, stealing, hoarding are easier after all) doing ‘the right thing’ does make me ultimately happy with my choices.

Whenever in doubt with what to do next, find ways to help others. In helping others we fulfil the promise that ‘through individual and collective faiths and actions we can make a positive difference in the lives of others.’ As long as we live, we have that opportunity to serve others which leads, for many of us, to short and longer-term happiness.

I distil that prayer into an even shorter personal motto:

    My happiness comes from living a balanced life of

love, gratitude and service.